Desultorily Yours !

Writing an article and that too for Darpan is a thought that dreads me the most. I mean I can write just about anything on some other platform like my blog or scribble on the floor for my 9 month old where I need not worry for being judged for my writing skills. But in Darpan, the ever wonderful and ‘professional’ audience makes me conscious of the fact that whatever I write is being read by an elite group so to speak!! So here I am with yet another attempt at writing something meaningful which falls in the category of ‘Elegant and meaningful writing’ as the purists would like to call it. But suddenly, I feel a rapid surge of revolt engulfing me from deep inside and questioning me as to why we always need to toe a predefined line of being right or wrong? Why the writing has to be ‘good’ always? Why can’t there be a separate category of literature dedicated specifically to ‘bad’ writing, something which does not meet the stringent standards set by those so called self proclaimed puritanical pundits? I surrender to my inner voice and decide its time I take up cudgels in my hand and do the impossible – write something real bad. Well, with bad I don’t mean indulging in some kind of blasphemy or writing in Chinese fonts. I would rather tweak the usual motif in writing and attempt at something random, something desultory – literally that is.

When I was in school, there used to be a competition wherein you are required to speak for 2 minutes in front of an audience on just about anything without pausing even for a second – the catch being the rules of the game that the sentences should be complete and grammatically correct and that there should no repetitions of any of the lines spoken already. I thought why not try this out in writing. But then, a sane mind would ask what’s the fun in attempting the same in writing when you have all the time at your disposal and you can double check anytime to ensure you meet all the rules and guidelines of the game. So I thought why not make it interesting in terms of its content if not the conventional rules. That’s true – I would attempt at writing complete sentences but with one condition – they should be as desultory as possible in terms of the meaning they are conveying and should take you for a ride literally. So here I start. (I know I would never get an invitation for writing an article for Darpan after you read this but I am not complaining!!).

Once upon a time, there was a king and he did not posses a Bluetooth device with him. To makeup for it, president Bush went for a vacation in the Prairies and the Steppes, parts of which are in Wyoming and Montana states. The first book he read there was not Casino Royale since he doesn’t like reading. Prairies and Steppes have counterparts in Deccan and Malwa and the Vindhya range in the south, though the list is not comprehensive. A comprehensive list can be found in Yellow pages wherein you generally find phone number which you are not looking for. And coming to talk about it, who coined the name ‘Yellow pages’? Why not red, blue or purple? I have never been able to recognize purple color in my life and I am not color blind genetically even though we have the complete map of human genome which unfortunately can not be found on yahoo or google map. Google does offer notepad functionality that can compensate for my color blindness which I strongly deny having it. So basically what I am hinting here is that yellow pages can be stored in Google notepad though the limitation is one’s ability to lookup the right phone number and that can be truly tedious as happened in case of Star fisheries and Star garage. Which movie was that? RGV’s Aag and the sequel to RGV’s Aag should be called RGV’s Aag’s Dhua!! Dhua means smoking which is harmful for health and putting gory pics on Cigarette packets won’t deter them anyways. Whom you are kidding Mr. Health Minister? And the reason Uttappa played so well is because he did not watch RGV’s Aag which conversely means that he doesn’t smoke. Bluetooth, Bush, Prairies, Casino Royale, Malwa, Yellow pages, Google, RGV – all these terms have one thing in common. Nope, I am not referring to the fact that they all are random in nature but the fact that they all are proper noun if you remember Wren and Martin’s torture called ‘Grammar’. I have typed in exactly 765 words so far and I am not done with my definition of randomness. But in the larger interest of society, I am calling it peace and inviting you to the World Military games in Hyderabad to be held sometimes in 2007 A.D. which I bet could not have been foreseen by Nostradamus. Nostradamus could not have foreseen a stupid article like this one too since he had no idea about escape velocity. But then it wasn’t his mistake as the king did not have a Bluetooth device in the first place.

PEACE!!

PS - Darpan is an office magazine which was initiated when I was in TCS.

Salaam Mumbai

When I would grow old(hey I am still young) and look back retrospectively, I guess my tryst with Mumbai would mark an epoch in the initial sculpting and chiseling of my life. Yeah, I used those piquant verbs intentionally since I liken my stint in the dream city as a potpourri of sweet and bitter experiences. To be very candid here, it was an excruciating journey that lasted a full 9 years (well almost) and left behind scars as well as love bites to put it that way. The intention of this post is not to enumerate how good or bad the city is since that would be too judgemetal and I hate being one. I just thought to pen down a few thoughts as a farewell note to the city that never sleeps.
I landed in the city on November 15th 1998. The scenic beauty enroute Mumbai from Trivendrum(after my initial training period in my first company TCS) was I guess nature's way to enrgize me for facing tougher times ahead. The first two years were really afflictive and inconsiderate - how could I forget the famous(or infamous) Mumbai locals and the daily grind I endured through for close to two years. The exact sequence was - catch an auto to Malad station, catch a local to Borivali (without alighting there since the same locomotive becomes a Churchgate fast on its return journey), reach Churchgate in 70 minutes around, catch a share cab to Cuffe Parade in Colaba and report to office at 11th floor(2 hours almost since the start). The return journey was even more painful since now you had to literally wade through an absolutely phlegmatic and cold crowd to catch a Borivali slow, never mind risking your life for it. Mumbaites call this circus as the indomitable spirit of the city(which basically refers to the common man getting back to work after any tragedy which strikes the city every now and then). Though I do salute the Mumbai janta for this so called 'spirit', I really would like to ask this question to the Mumbaites- a clerk who resides in Virar and has his office in Churchgate - does he really have a choice but to report to work the very next day after such a tragedy? Dont try to equate spirit with helplessness of common man. I may again be sounding too judgemental here but lets not try to fool ourselves. I guess I can go on and on but I am calling it peace here since I feel it really does not make any difference beyond a certain point(Mumbai has gone past this point way too long back).
Back to my story, I do feel proud being associated with Mumbai inspite of all the above. Infact, this very uncanny charm is something no one has been able to decipher about this big bad city. The sheer size of the city and the fast pace of life dwarfs you and makes you feel special even when embraced in its badly littered streets. The first 2 years is when I got acquainted with the length and breadth of the city(courtesy the nature of my job!) and was convinced that in a likely scenario of loosing my IT job, I would surely be able to have a career as a city guide!! Raheja township in Malad and J B nagar in Andheri were couple of my addresses I stayed at. A turning point came(and so did a break from the grind) when I was deputed to the States for around 2 years. When I returned back in 2002, the city hadn't changed much(the JVLR link road was still under construction and it still is, I guess its completion would coincide truly with India being declared a 'Developed' nation). This time, I made Thakur village as my home. I guess I will always have a special liking for this place. Its a city within a city and its hip population gives you a high naturally. I guess I would miss this place the most in Mumbai. The next 2 and 1/2 years were memorable for 2 reasons - I spent good amount of money(since I had it in excess for first time in life !) on friends/socializing (even though I am not a a very social person naturally). I remember I once took an impromptu flight to Banglore during a weekend to catch up with a bunch of old college buddies...wow those were the days!! And the second reason is an obvious one as its this time in my life that I got married and started life on a new note. Together as a couple, we got a chance to explore lot of places in and around Mumbai - Daman(the return journey from here would best be forgotten), Goa(delayed honeymoon), Khandala, Lonavala(the company guest house here is the most romantic place in the world), Pune(a good city to visit), Sanjay Gandhi National park(hehe, I almost got thrashed for the last one!!) etc. I did start liking the city atlast!! I got another break from the grind when we went to US of A for a long term deputation. It was almost after 1 and 1/2 years that we were back in Mumbai. The trip would always be cherished by both of us.
The post US stay(Jan 2006 onwards) in Mumbai was a busy one since it brought in a lot of new experiences in life including Chiku and life was never the same again. We left Mumbai after a lot of deliberation as to whether the move would be worthwhile and whether we would ever feel at home in any other city as we did in Mumbai. But I guess the writing was already there on the wall. Several factors including monetary ones made us take the final decision of calling it quits and we bid a tearful adieu to the city of dreams in July 2007, after 104 long months!! We made some of the best friends for life, met some of the most amazing people, had some of the most memorable and cherished events of life and matured up learning some of the toughest lessons in life in the eventful journey. The city would always find special place in our hearts and who knows may compel us to come back to it at some of time in future. Till then, all I can say is - 'Salam Mumbai!!'

Baby's Day Out!!

Just goes on to show that we(netizens of my age) were TRULY born in a wrong generation..!!

The story goes like this - Our maid servant tells us in typical Mumbaiya hindi(itna paisa milenga to itnaich kaam hoenga!!) that there is a film shootin going on right in front of the society's main gate. Archana always wanted to see a shooting(though something very commonplace in Mumbai, she never got to witness one)..so I drop her off on the main gate and I myself pushed off for office.

Archana then calls me up at office describing that the shooting involved the hot Amrita Rao doing an action scene...well I, for one regretted going to office without checking the details about the shooting. But the story doesn't end here...Archana was standing at a very close distance to Amrita(though behind the society fence) ..she turned towards Arcahana casually..she spotted our cute Chiku and said an equally cute 'Hiii' to him..!! I have spent close to half of my life and no one except my 'dear' wife has said such an endearing hi to me(off late, I have stopped receiving that 'you blink and will miss' hi too!). Coming back to Chiku, I wonder if this is the sign of things to come...(I mean c'mon he is just 6 months ol' and has already managed to woo Amrita Rao!!) Oh how I envy him at the moment!!

Memoirs of a Lost World

The advent of Television era (the idiot box!) was a significant development during the initial years of my life. It all started with the priced Black and White television sets occupying the most sacred place in one’s house (the most common brands were Dynora, Wilson, Videocon, and some Japanese companies), color TV sets were still a distant dream then. The eon started with the ubiquitous Doordarshan channel (for the nescient younger generation – this is a government owned channel and is still available as part of standard cable package) being aired for limited hours during evening time. The telecast timings were expanded subsequently to include morning and afternoon hours which was an achievement in itself for the government at that time (I mean c’mon they were inching closer to serving non stop infotainment which was a kind of huge favor for the dumb Indian audience). Speaking about the quality of programs DD served during those days – I would say it was a mix bag. Here is a complete low down on the history of Indian television(read Doordarshan) as viewed by a youngster.

The culture of never ending soaps started way back then(1980s) with serials like ‘Buinyaad’(Lajoji, Haveli Ram) and ‘Humlog’(Basesar Ram, Nanhe). I am sure E(K)ta Kapoor had started taking lessons in soap since then itself. Indian sitcoms made an extremely successful beginning with serials like ‘Ye Jo Hai Jindagi’ (Rakesh Bedi was absolutely hilarious), ‘Wagle Ki Duniya’(the Indian bourgeois population would still identify itself with the protagonist Wagle played by Anjan Srivastava) and Rajni(not sure if you remember the intimidating Priya Tendulkar). Then there were serials meant for children like ‘Dada Dadi ki Kahaniyaan’, Vikram Vetaal(I still can visualize Vetaal with long white curly hairs being carried over by Vikram on his back with Vetaal saying wickedly ‘Vikram, Tu Bola To Mai Chala…HAHAHA…’), ‘Malgudi Days’(the character of Swami and the title tune would stay in my heart forever), ‘Nukkad’ (the camaraderie depicted and portrayed in the serial has no parallels till date) and the first Sci-Fi serial ‘Sigma’(Jakakhu, Tara) which I guess was responsible for building up my interest in science stuff. ‘Katha Sagar’, ‘Neem Ka Ped’, ‘Tamas’, ‘Circus’, ‘Fauzi’(FYI - SRK featured the in last 2), Udaan(Kavita Choudhry), Air Hostess(the beautiful Kittu Gidwani), Karamchand(the first ever detective serial played out by Pankaj Kapoor to the ‘T’), Vyomkesh Bakshi (another detective serial and was an instant hit), ‘Ek Do Teen Char’(saturday afternoon after the half day school), Siddhart Basu’s Quiz show(Derek O Brien came much later folks), ‘Turning point’(a science show anchored by Girish Karnad who was simply flawless and the IISc’s Prof. Yashpal who became a sort of celebrity), Prannoy Roy’s ‘The World this Week’(he coined the idea of starting a separate TV channel from there) are some of the other cherished serials which would remain etched out in my memory for eternity. Speaking of Doordarshan, how could I forget the daily news (Samachar that is) which used to be a mere 20 minute affair (8.40 PM till 9). Salma Sultan, Sarla Maheshwari, Ved Prakash were household names then (I wonder where have they disappeared today). And last but not least, there used to be just 2 film songs based programs – Chitrahaar every Wednesday and Chayageet every Thursday – those who are used to 24/7 music channels today would have no idea about the craze these two programs generated in those days. The era of mythological epics (Mahabharata, Ramayana) being aired on DD came in mid nineties which also set the stage for the invasion of cable TV. I personally liked Mahabharata more than Ramayana for its compelling depiction of all the mythological characters- Bhishma Pitamah was an instant hit and so was Arjuna and Krishna.

The programs I hated most were countless – the local program in Marathi ‘Aamchi Maati Aamchi Mansa’ – a horticulture based program topped the list. I mean who was watching such programs? The intended audience viz the poor farmers did not have access to television anyways, so effectively the urban populace was being trained and specialized in agriculture!! Then there was the most awaited Hindi movie slot - once every week on Sunday evening. The movies shown were either pre Alam-aara period or at best some flop movie featuring Rajendra Kumar!! And we were supposed to feel lucky for that. Then there was those government sponsored messages (Child dioherria, child marriage, family planning, anti smoking/anti drinking and so on). The intention was not wrong but the message ads were so tasteless and poorly shown that it left you with no option but to leave the room and go for a walk.

Moving on, the DD TV saga would not be complete without the mention of advertisements being aired during that time which had a class of its own. I would start the interesting journey with ‘Nirma’ ad. Yes, this ad should actually be given the longest running ad award for not changing its ad tune(though due credit should be given for at least changing the visuals!). When Pepsi was launched initially in India, it was called ‘Lehar Pepsi’ and the ad featured the pop singer ‘Remo Fernandis’ who made the punch lines extremely famous – ‘Are you Ready for the Maqgic?’ and ‘Yahi hai right choice baby, ahaa!!’. The Pepsi ad later featured Aamir Khan with Mahima Choudhary and the sensual Sanjana (yeah, you all guessed it right – she was the blue eyed Aishwarya Rai Bachchan – all of sweet 17 at that time!!!). Then there was another ad which featured a beautiful lass and I kept wondering for years about her identity. The ad was for Khatau sarees and the damsel who appeared in it was none other than Raveen Tandon who did it when she was in 12^th std! (as per one of her interviews). Then there was that Bajaj bulb ad which had the punch line ‘Jab mai bilkul chota tha, badi shararat karta tha…’. Bajaj scooter had the ad song as ‘Hamara Bajaj – Buland Bharat ki buland tasveer’. Bombay Dyeing ad had the hot Lisa Ray featuring in their promos (she could have become a better and bigger model I feel). I can also recall the Rasna ad which was made very endearing for their cute child models. The Jalebi ad(for one of the oil brands I guess) was one of the classic ones. One of the most innovative ads ever done is Amul. They kept changing the punch line almost every month mostly capturing the flavor of the month. Recently, I heard that the brain behind all those funny one liners has left the company for the good. Hats off to such a creative mind.

Other ads which come to my mind from that era are – Prestige(Jo biwi se kare pyaar, wo ..blah blah), Boroline, Iodex(ooh, aah, ouch), Surf, Lipton tea, Mysore Sandal soap, Bournvita, Cema bulbs, Parle G, Farex baby milk powder, Cibaca tooth paste, Hipolin washing powder, Rin(Bahenji ad done by Kavita Choudhary), Titan watches(the romantic ad wherein the fiancé gifts the watch to his beloved in a hotel backdrop and the violins being played out by the band), Dabur Lal dant manjan(‘Kyu na ho masterji, mai Dabur lal dant manjan jo istemaal karta hoon), ‘Ek chidiya Anek chidya’ depicting unity in diversity by Films division, Rexona and many many more.

I guess the Doordarshan era defined and shaped a generation, a generation unaware about the MTV culture and the 100 channel confusion. Good or bad, the DD legacy would be difficult to forget if not impossible.

PS - Special thanks to my better half as she was the one who helped me recall/recollect most of the above details with amazing clarity.

Creepy

It seems the Virginia Tech massacre took its own toll on me. I mean I agree I do come across such daily news involving heinous crimes almost regularly(bane of modern time I guess), but this one in particular had a little more than the deserved melancholic effect on me. It really made me wonder where we are heading after all. Agreed every society will have some psychopaths in its pack of cards but doesn't get to comprehend a crime of this nature and magnitude. I even thought of reading the banned book 'Rage' to understand the deranged mentality of a loner but then thought it wouldn't really serve the purpose.

What caught my attention was a poignant story of a Mumbai girl Minal who died in the shootout. It wasn't really the fact that she was killed cold-blooded, but more so to discover that she had an online Orkut profile and it was flooded with consoling messages from all across the world. I mean it was eerie, as strange as it can get to see the scrapbook of a dead person who was all alive just a few hours back and getting thousands of messages about her own death. Netizens who were leaving the bereaved messages knew that there is no one at the other end to read those messages and the fact that the owner of that profile is never going to return back ! Later I discovered that the profile was deleted by Orkut but it left me with a bizarre feeling in my mind and a bigger question to ponder over – what happens to the online identity of a person(including email, blogs etc) when he/she is no more and are there any international rules/regulations governing the issue.

My heartfelt condolences to the Panchal family and also to the family of the Indian professor who was a victim in the shootout.

Peace.